By Kameryn Dixon
March 19, 2025
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My earliest memories consist of fear, pain, and love. Throughout my 21 years of living, these things have been constant.
The most severe and distressing feeling I remember began in high school. It now comes back annually, such as an old friend would do. I thought that I had anxiety considering that it runs in my family. However, a part of me always knew that it was something deeper than that. The pain, a stabbing sensation in my stomach, aches throughout my body, and constant dizziness and confusion plagued me daily. It disrupted my learning, my school experience, and my personal life. I did not want to do anything except sleep.
I cursed God daily. I cursed God for not letting me feel okay. I cursed God for allowing all of my medical test results to come back negative, indicating that “nothing was wrong with me.” I cursed God for making me so “anxious” at the ripe age of 16, having felt this way since I was one. I begged and begged for my pain to stop. I begged for healing. I cried in the bathroom stalls of my school, pleading, “Please God, I will never eat the meal that I had last night, which I believe is causing this ridiculous pain.”
Years of this confusion went by. The pain waxed and waned. I became accustomed to it.
I began college in the fall of 2021. Considering all of my health problems, I began seeing a nurse practitioner on campus. In the fall of 2023, I experienced a heart palpitation, something that happened to me a few times a month. The nurse practitioner referred me to a cardiologist, which I almost laughed at due to all of my years of being called a hypochondriac. Finally, someone is sending me to a specialist, I thought to myself.
The cardiologist gave me a heart monitor and that same week, I saw a TikTok about something called “POTS”. This stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, a form of dysautonomia. I brushed this off because at the time I thought that this was just the disorder that causes people to faint, and this couldn’t possibly be what’s wrong with me because I have never fainted in my life. Again, another test result came back negative. My health was “perfect”.
I begged this doctor to please test for other things. My old friend had come back to visit me.
I could not sit through class without feeling sick. I could not make it throughout the day without being absolutely exhausted. I cursed this doctor for seeing only a negative test result.
Throughout this time, I had no sense of faith. Not in the world, not in my family, not in my life, especially not in God. In my eyes, God was not keeping me healthy. God allowed me to feel anxious and depressed so what was the purpose of believing in this all-powerful being?
A new year was approaching. Something in my spirit had shifted seemingly. I began to want to change my life. I was growing tired of anxiety and depression driving me. With this new year, I had a new doctor’s appointment. I was referred to a cardiologist who specializes in the autonomic nervous system.
I begged this doctor to listen to me and to truly see me. I begged this doctor to affirm me and not write off whatever was wrong with me as anxiety, growing pains, IBS, or any of the other quick and questionable diagnoses I was previously given.
On January 1, 2024, I was diagnosed with POTS, meaning that my autonomic nervous system is not correctly functioning. Later this year, I was also diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a connective tissue disorder that can cause POTS. Oh, what an awakening these two diagnoses caused! My family chuckled at the news due to my ecstatic reaction. “Who is happy to receive a diagnosis of a chronic illness”, my father laughed.
To me, this news meant many things. Firstly, I realized that what I believed to be anxiety for most of my life was not that. It was actually the disruption of my nervous system. My heart rate often skyrockets when I am doing something as mundane as falling asleep, which can, of course, feel like a random panic attack. I have always wondered why 99% of my anxiety felt more physical than mental. Secondly, this gave me my faith. Diagnoses of incurable illnesses that have plagued me throughout my life gave me my faith because they showed me that there is always a time for things, and everything happens for a reason. By no means do I suggest that there is a reason for why I or anyone else is sick; however, I still believe that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t gone specifically to Kennesaw State University and seen the nurse practitioner that I currently see, and if I hadn’t felt disgusted and exhausted from constantly being dismissed by doctors while advocating for myself, I may have never received these diagnoses, which now lead to treatments that help me live a manageable life. Not understanding the reason behind feeling miserably sick almost every day and why I was always incredibly anxious with no clear cause led to extreme depression and suicidality.
God allowed me to see that without the stream of events that have happened in my life, I would not be where I am today. Everything that has happened has led here. I now can evaluate the situations in my life and know that God will pull me through to better things and has always done that. This change in perspective over the past year has led to me truly loving life and finding happiness in every aspect of life. Even on weeks like this one, when my old friend came back to visit again, I was faced with the temptation to lose faith and succumb to misery. I was able to remember that God has always provided for me and will do so time and time again.
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Kameryn Dixon
Kameryn is a student at Kennesaw State University, currently earning her bachelor’s degree in History Education. Originally from Augusta, Georgia, she has always been extremely passionate about disability advocacy and social justice. In her free time, she loves to write, read, and listen to music. In the future, she hopes to become a teacher and continue her education and research in gender and women’s studies, intersectionality, and United States history.
