By Brooke Foster
December 20, 2023
Listen to this post.
“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.” – Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas
Every Christmas Eve, my family gathers around to watch the beloved 1965 animated television special, A Charlie Brown Christmas. At the beginning of the short program, Charlie Brown feels left out by his friends and disenchanted with the “commercialism” of Christmas. As a kid, I couldn’t quite understand Charlie Brown’s problem—I loved Christmas and everything it entailed! Yet, as the years go by, I see myself more and more in the story. If you find yourself feeling like Charlie Brown during the holidays, don’t fret.
While the loneliness epidemic permeates our lives throughout the year, the feeling seems to be universally amplified during the holidays. A quick Google search of “holiday loneliness” reveals countless articles authored by a range of people from doctors and therapists to journalists and bloggers. Perhaps the rise of social media and the desire to curate the perception of the perfect life have something to do with the magnitude of holiday loneliness. Maybe it’s the constant public message that money and overconsumption are the keys to true happiness. Either way, we’re not alone in our loneliness.
At some basic level, we all have the desire to be seen, known, and loved—the desire to belong. This desire is so ingrained in our lives that we’ve created a term to poke fun at it: FOMO or the fear of missing out. But sometimes FOMO leads us to act in ways that are antithetical to cultivating belonging. Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown argues that we often think we can achieve belonging by trying to fit in and seeking approval, but these attempts can actually be barriers to it (Daring Greatly).
At some basic level, we all have the desire to be seen, known, and loved—the desire to belong.
Especially when we are struggling to find our footing in the world as young adults, it can feel nearly impossible to mitigate loneliness without shrinking the fullness of ourselves to fit in. Sometimes, this shrinking can be as simple as adopting the same jargon as the people around you, but other times, we try to conform in ways that are detrimental to our mental, emotional, and even physical health. People who are already marginalized because of the intersections of their identity often experience this need to conform as a mode of oppression. So, how can we mitigate our FOMO, find community, and feel that we belong?
In her 2017 book, Braving the Wilderness, Brown posits: “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
Belonging requires you to be who you are. This means we must first be comfortable with our whole selves, with all our quirks and differences. It can be challenging to break free from the urge to conform to group norms, especially if you’ve spent your life trying to fit in. But finding a place where you can show up fully—as you are—is worth the struggle of seeking self-acceptance.
Belonging requires you to be who you are. This means we must first be comfortable with our whole selves, with all our quirks and differences.
I recently polled my followers on Instagram about belonging by asking, “do you have a place (outside of home and work) where you feel you belong?” In response, folks listed their gyms, local coffee shops and bars, theatre and comedy clubs, affinity groups, and, for a few, their churches. Many of their answers focused not on physical spaces, but on the people they encounter there and how the spaces make them feel. When describing these places, they wrote:
- “All of my people are there”
- “It’s become the community hub for so many strangers turned friends”
- “I feel seen, known, and cared for there…I feel I can mostly be myself”
- “Always a fun and safe environment, always feel like I belong”
Aside from the importance of the people co-inhabiting these spaces of belonging, there were two common necessities for community among folks’ responses to my poll: time and resources. Consistent time spent helps cultivate a sense of belonging in community. Examples include going to the same bar every Thursday night, studying in the same coffee shop each weekend, or joining a community group at church. For some, the necessary resources are economic, like paying for a gym membership. While for others, the resource is more innate, like a skillset or talent through which they find peers.
Simply put, to combat loneliness and find spaces of belonging, we have to commit to showing up consistently in one way or another. Community, or even an attempt at finding it, can be healing.
Maybe you remember how A Charlie Brown Christmas ends: After a disastrous Christmas tree purchase, Charlie Brown grows even more frustrated with the whole idea of the holiday. He begs, “Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?!” And his friend Linus reminds the group by reciting Luke 2:8-14: on earth peace and good will towards people.
The call to community and belonging is clear: Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself
In the Christian faith, combatting loneliness and finding belonging takes on an important spiritual dimension. God so loved the world God sent God’s only son to take on the fullness of humanity. Fully human and fully divine, Jesus teaches us what it means to love and be loved, to know and be known, to see and be seen. The call to community and belonging is clear: Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:30-31).
How can we begin to combat holiday (and everyday) loneliness? By learning to love and accept ourselves as we are; by showing up consistently in our chosen communities; and, as Brené Brown says, by “find[ing] sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness” just like Charlie Brown.
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Brooke Foster, Polaris Program Coordinator
Brooke supports catalytic young adult leaders by creating and kindling opportunities for connection and learning. She is enthusiastic about cultivating welcoming, safe, and encouraging spaces of community for folks of all ages and is eager to begin serving alongside and connecting with the many young adults already at work in their own neighborhoods. Brooke holds a BA from Lipscomb University and an MDiv from Princeton Theological Seminary with certificates in Theology, Ecology, and Faith Formation, and Women, Theology, and Gender. In her free time, you can find her curled up on her porch with a good book, a hot cup of coffee, and her corgi, Friday.